she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize