I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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