He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
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He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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