Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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