My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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