I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
