she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
