I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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