Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
