Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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