I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
How naked do you want me to be?
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