so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
