You smell like stripper and shame
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
