i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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