you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
