You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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