we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
