Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We need to rekindle our bromance
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
