I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
