I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
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why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
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IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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