1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
