New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so let's talk penis.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
