you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
