I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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