morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
