When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
