o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
