the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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