i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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