he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
