the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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