on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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