Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
