Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
