genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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