I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
