dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Congratulations! We have a period
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