I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
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So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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