Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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