somebody snuck up and got me drunk
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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