is your mom at the bar?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
