It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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