dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
