after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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