She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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