Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
