why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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