What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
