"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
