paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
