just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
no, he came in my armpit
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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