Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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