She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
