if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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