My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize