In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
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Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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