So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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