My nipple is on Facebook.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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