My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
