You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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